Since half past four this morning it has just been my cat and me sat in the shroud of my “comfortable jumper”.
At that time in the morning the silence is so loud it hurts because all the voices who like the dark and quiet recesses of my mind palace come out to play:
The Worrier; depicted as an older version of me surrounded by neurotic cats.
The Critic; an overbearing the mirror image of how I hope others see me.
The Child; reminiscent of my self when I lost my “punky baby”.
The Pilot; the unseen force that ultimately dives me
The Tweedles; the extensions of my body and soul who “broke their nice new rattle”.
The Captain; the rational and logical aspect of my psyche.
The Vexed Teenager; Imagine ‘Cousin Kevin’ from ‘Tommy’.
And somewhere amongst all of that is me.
It’s like feeding time at the zoo before the hustle and bustle of visitors arrive.
You can hear all the animals but you can’t hear yourself think and without other people to dilute the noise with opinions of their own that prompt rational thought, you find yourself just trying to drown it all out.
Doesn’t sound to bad does it?
But have you ever tried to ignore a screaming baby or an annoying pop song you heard on the radio at your local supermarket? It’s not easy.
In my mind their are dozen screaming and anxious babies, Countless unseen radios, as well as the numerous creatures that go bump in the night.
There are times I think I have the animals fed and under control in their enclosures but some how they still manage to get out when stress weakens the walls and my defenses start to crumble.
Now I described voices like characters this is because I intend to revisit the child from my first blog.
“deeper into the darkness the child falls but they can still hear the voices speaking in words the child can not understand.
The child begins to beg and plead for it to stop until a voice can be heard above the whispers.
“There is a way to stop the falling. Shall I tell you what it is?”
The child replied without hesitation.
“Yes. Please stop the falling.”
A chuckle echos in the darkness.
“Alright. But it comes at a price.”
“Anything please just make it stop”
the chuckle sounded again.
“Very well. All you have to do is hit the bottom. You have to really want the alternative.”
So the child tried picture what was beyond the darkness but all that they could see was the pain hitting the ground.
Finally with a loud thud the child hit the ground and heard the silence shatter
“ha ha” said the voice from the darkness. “I am depression and now you belong to me. you must forever wear this cloak to remind you that you belong to me.”
The child lay there dazed and agonized.
“I feel broken. Where is the rest of me?”
“the rest of you will make excellent play things for my friends. I believe you have already met Paranoia.”
then the voices started getting louder. The voices of the child’s friends trying to make themselves heard. but the child could only hear a little of what they said.
“You and your friends now belong to us. The critic and The worrier are now in control of Your Captain and your Pilot. Kevin will keep you company while I’m away. But I must go now and upset the balance between your Tweedles after all I can not tolerate any harmony here.”
So the child sat in the darkness, too tired and hurt to move as Kevin tormented and teased.
And here we shall leave it for now. But rest assured The Child will be back and the story shall continue after the distraction of life has worn off and I again find myself alone with My Comfortable Jumper.